Beware the Wine Bottle Label

Look at the labels on a bottle of wine. Usually, but not always, there is a front label and a back label. Usually, those labels are pieces of paper or some paper substitute affixed to the bottle with some sort of glue. Occasionally, on really fancy bottles (fancy in this case is almost always equal to expensive), the label information is etched. 

Etched labels are pretty cool. I have some. I think that there was one time that I bought a bottle at least partially for the label. And, for those that don't find themselves offended by absolutely everything, the story makes for a laugh, or at the very least a smile. 

We were visiting a favorite winery in the Rutherford area on Highway 29 in Napa Valley. Deciding that we needed one more stop on our way back to our bed and breakfast on Mdrone Avenue in St Helena, we asked the proprietors for a suggestion for a winery that was on the way and open that late. They sent us to a place called Fleury near the end of a road (Galleron) we had never noticed and backing up almost against the Napa River. Entering the building, it was straight out of a Grateful Dead tour from the very early 70s. While I don't recall any music playing nor unusual, non-wine aromas in the air, in my mind, I could hear the tones of American Beauty or Aoxomoxoa while people in the room passed a bong.

In any event, the wine was tasty and one bottle in particular caught our eyes, literally. It was etched with Gothic Fs all over it. And, so the name of the wine: F in Red. We had to own a bottle. The empty bottle now sits on our basemanet wall along with 44 other dead soldiers that live there for a variety of reasons.

Anyway, this topic was suggested by a loyal reader who noticed a wine bottle label. Quoting the label, "[O]ur vibrant, golden Chardonnay expresses the tightly woven bond between Sonoma terroir and craftsmanship. Blending from small batches of fine fruit and layering citrus aromatics with a translucent minerality, our winemaker weaves a seamless wine, infused with subtle details that express the alluvial warp and weft of each vineyard."

Really?

Apparently warp and weft are fabric weaving terms. A bit archaic, but fabric weaving nonetheless. Alluvial, on the other hand, relates to the soil deposited by a flowing body of water. And, if you look really hard using all of your search tools, you can find, as I did, that another archaic definition of warp is the sediment which subsides from turbid water.

Did the person who created this label take too many of those bong hits up on Galleron Road?

So, I finally get to my question. Does this label inspire you or annoy you? Does it impress you or make you wary? Would it attract you to the wine or make you run. away. very. quickly?

While your experience might be different, mine is that simple is often best. If the winery and winemaker choose to add some factual details about the wine, that might be useful. For example, if you are drinking Pinot Gris and the label tells you that the wine is of medium sweetness or is off-dry. Well, if you like your Pinot Gris bone dry, you know to stay away from this one. Or, it might just be interesting to know that the grapes for this particular Malbec were grown at altitudes from 880 to 900 meters. 

What is a translucent minerality? I known what translucent is. Light passes through. I did well in my Latin classes. And, minerality to me means exactly what it says. A liquid can be translucent. Paper can be translucent. Minerality, on the other hand, is more of a taste or sensation. Neither tastes nor sensations can have light pass through them. They just can't. My daughter, the writing teacher, might tell me that the author of the label suffered from dictionary diarrhea.

In any event, would you buy this wine? If you were on the fence, would the label impress you or make you wary? Would you climb over the fence or fall off?

In my case, thud ...